Cheryl Ketchens
In this 4 part series I will help you identify the 4 critical mistakes every Overwhelmed, Tired, Frustrated, Sleep Deprived Single Parent, Parents, Foster Parent(s), Grand Parent(s), Educators and Administrators make when
working with teens and youth.
Mistake #2 – Speaking Words That Kill Self Esteem!
No parent intentionally hurts their child. In other words we don’t rise from our beds in the morning consumed with the thought of punishing our teen and inflicting great emotional pain on them. Remember when this same teen was once a cute, darling little toddler batting their eyes at you and flashing a big wide grin, and stole our hearts. I’m sure you also remember when they first uttered our names; Mom-ma, Da-da, Na-na, Grand-ma, and Pa-pa! We melted little butter in their tiny little hands. Some of us behaved as though we had won the lottery. Even when these same precious little darling’s began throwing tantrums, stomping their tiny little feet in protest or sprawling their small little bodies across the floor, whaling at the top of their lungs, and kicking their feet into the air. If we’re being completely honest with ourselves most of were much more patient. We even found a way to excuse their unruly behavior, attributing it to a “phase,” convincing ourselves that it would pass.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself how you could be so… patient with an unruly toddler and have zero patience for a teen who merely rolls his or her eyes at you and crosses their arms against their chest in total silence. Of course most of us know why? Because often times actions speak louder than words and we understand that they are tuning us out, ignoring us, even placating us… The fact is these incredibly awesome young people get on our nerves. They talk back, shrug their shoulders, tune us out, mumble things under their breath, all while knowing how mush this annoy’s us in an attempt to dilute our hurtful words.
Despite their adolescent behavior and our unrealistic expectations that they behave as an adult. How can they when they watch their parent behave like a child? In essence we throw adult temper tantrums when we don’t get our way. We wave and point our fingers right at our teens faces, we shout, we rant, we threaten them with serous consequences, with crazed looks in our eyes that look like we have taken leave of our senses. It’s little wonder that our teens dismiss us. Stop the Insanity! Believe it or not you are still the adult and as such you should be modeling responsible, loving, compassionate, nurturing, and understanding behavior toward your youth. Waving and pointing a finger at your teens face or anyone’s face for that matter is hurtful, and disrespectful!.This type of behavior from a parent destroys a child. They get enough hurtful words from their classmates and peers. Their home should be their sanctuary. A place where they can nourish their ever growing, and changing bodies and replenish their spirit. When you deliver more of the same behavior they had to endure at school all day you are killing them. Is it any wonder they shut down and don’t listen to us. Would you listen to someone who was killing your spirit or puncturing your heart with words that kill? Chances are pretty good that you wouldn’t. So why should your teen? Additional bullying at home is often the tipping point for an already fragile, vulnerable youth who is trying to find his or her place in the world. If these words resonate with you then it’s time to stop the insanity and repair your relationship with your teen before it’s too… late.
What Should You Do Instead?
- Compliment Your Youth – As often as possible let your youth know that you appreciate them by giving them a compliment. Make it a daily practice. Try to put yourself in their place and think of things that would be meaningful and memorable for you. Surly you can find at least one thing to compliment your teen on. Once it becomes a routine it will get easier and easier to do, and your teen will be very responsive to them. Open your eyes and witness the shift in their behavior. Once this becomes a practice. At first you should be prepared for some interesting looks, if this is foreign to your youth because you have not done it before. Don’t be discouraged. Anything worthwhile takes time.
- Engage Your Youth In Laughter – Laughter is literally good medicine. There is scientific proof to support this thought. Find a few minutes in your hectic schedule for a daily laugh with your teen. This will also be a good time to find out how their day went. Share a funny story with them about something you did, heard, or saw during your day. Life is full of laughable moments when we look around. Like anything else that is foreign to us your youth will also find your cheerful behavior rather odd. Don’t give up when this happens because your youth needs it… In fact you both need it. Even if your youth doesn’t show enthusiasm right away. Practice, Practice, Practice. Repetition is the secret sauce. When your fan begins to turn up the corners of their mouth you are in. Keep it going!
- Avoid Criticism – At all cost avoid shattering your youth’s spirit with angry, hurtful words that you are unable to take back. Angry words said during a heated finger pointing discussion where you are reprimanding your teen destroys your child. This type of behavior can leave your teen with lifelong scars and emotional upheaval. Words can and do kill the spirit. No matter how talented, smart, intelligent, good-looking or well rounded your teen is, your behavior can and does slay them. I realize this sounds harsh. However it’s important that some of us hear it and take a long, long look at our behavior. Are you unknowingly killing your teen? Your interaction with them is critical because it can and does determine whether your teen will soar like an eagle or fall to the ground like a wounded bird.
Conclusion – Speaking Words That Kill Self Esteem!
A report by the Council of Economic Advisors onTeens and Their Parents In The 21st Century: An Examination Of Trends In Teen Behavior and The Role Of Parental Involvement states that Teens aged 15-16 who do not feel close to their parents are about three times as likely to think about suicide as teens who are close to their parents.
A Guide Created by Nathan Hulls – The 3 Biggest Problems Teenagers Face AND What To Do About Them – “Self-esteem is simply the way a person sees them self and it is created by the words other people say about us. The most important words a teenager can hear come from the people they admire and their authority figures.”
“Parents and teachers, take note! It’s not okay to tell a teenager that they will not amount to anything, its not ‘just a scare tactic’, your words literally have the power to shape the future of a young person.
Your mouth! The words you speak over the teenagers who are under your control have the power to steer them in the direction you choose.”
One last thought – Just pause for a moment and really, really think about the power you hold in the palm of your hands. You literally have the power to destroy another person’s life, kill a person’s self-esteem, heal a person’s life, lift up a life and help it soar through the sky like a eagle. How will you choose to use your power? Your teen is waiting for you to decide so choose wisely!!